oh sweet lord… did she just really write a blog about this??? {uh yah, she did. good god.}

I can NOT stress  the following disclaimer/warning enough:

If you are a man, you most definitely DO NOT want to read this. As a matter of fact, if you are a woman you probably don’t want to either, but If you are a man  and you read this, I will not be held responsible for it’s long-term effects on your psyche.

If you know me at all, you know I have no shame, which is why I am about to share this with you.  I have a serious problem right now.  Actually, I  have a serious problem tri-fecta.  I am currently in the middle of

  1. my Period.  No big deal, right?  This happens all the freaking time and I so know how to handle it.  Except when it is coupled with
  2. a yeast infection.  Remember my trip to the dentist.  That resulted in antibiotics.  Those cause bad things to happen in the nether regions.  Which I don’t understand but can absolutely attest to.
  3. There is no third problem.  I realize a tri-fecta implies three elements  but, seriously?  Did you read #1 and #2.  Need there be more?  Those two things combined are a tri-fecta like none other, and I don’t care if you like it or not.

There are no words to describe the anguish.  No words to convey the torture.

My lady parts are just not anything like they’ve ever been in their life.   It hurts so bad to pee that I literally squat above the toilet to try to keep anything from touching anything so as to prevent as much of the burning as possible.

If I didn’t know better… I would suspect I have herpes or something.  Can you get that from a public toilet because I did just recently use one in a Costco and it wasn’t looking so good.  OH MY GOD.  I also lent some pants to a friend and I’m not sure if she wears panties.  I know I don’t.  And I’m also not positive if she is Herpes Negative.  (I know I Am.  Or at least I used to be.)  JesusMaryandJoseph, can you freaking get Herpes from going commando in pants that a Herpes infested rounder went commando in?  Does anyone know the answer to this?  Is this how I’m going to “come out” of the herpes closet?  {I swear to freaking god honey, if I have Herpes, THIS is how I got it!!!}

So anyway, assuming this IS just the most god awful yeast infection paired with the period from hell, I decided I had to do SOMETHING drastic to stop the pain.  The kids were starting to get a little freaked out by the weird “pee pee dance” Ms.  Keli was doing all day long today.   So I think back on the only other time I’ve ever had an incurable yeast infection and what they told me to do.  I was pregnant with Elle.  {I don’t know why I feel you need to know that.  Yet there it is.}

They told me to do two things.  One was… wait for it… apply plain yogurt to the affected area.  Errr…. that’s a negatory folks.  Not gonna happen.

The other was to take a bath in either really cold, or really hot water.  I can’t remember which.   Makes sense for it to be really cold.  I mean, in this situation, really hot water could produce a loaf of bread for all I know.  So maybe it’s really cold.  Must be.  But then, I go to run my really cold bath and decide that WonderBread be damned, I am NOT taking a freaking cold bath.  So I run it really hot.

I burned my feet.  I burned my knees.  I burned my ass.

But I think it helped my problemo tri-fecta and I thought you all should know too.

sometimes the pain is so bad my brain itches. is that a condition?

You like to read when i bitch, don’t you???  Please tell me you do.

Because today I need to bitch.  See, I have this issue.  I am wicked scared of the dentist.  Like, “I would rather scratch out my own eyeballs from the pain of a toothache before visiting a dentist” kind of phobic sort of shit.  Wicked.  Scared.

But… after 19 years of only going to the dentist when abso-freaking-lutely necessary, things are starting to go south.  In a really bad way.  My old fillings from the 80’s are the crack and fall out of your mouth variety and it’s never at a good time.  So a few weeks ago I started feeling the ache.  Then while camping a couple weeks back I felt a little crack.  Now, every single night and a few times throughout the day I am overcome with the kind of pain that makes my brain spasm and my face contort into a post-palsy droop that most stroke patients would be afraid of.  I’ve exhausted all of the old prescription pain meds from every child-birth and surgery and any other sort of painful experience that we’ve had in this house in the past 5 years.  And if I hit up any more of my friends for theirs, I’m probably going to end up on that intervention show.  It’s just that bad.

I have to relent and deal with it.  I have to. So can you tell me this?  Why is dental work so freaking expensive?  Its not brain surgery!  It’s really not even surgery at all.  There’s no hospitalization involved.  And most of the dentists are higher than the patients are anyway.  What the hell???  I really don’t need to mortgage my house to afford a little pain relief! (Not that it’s even possible to do that these days.)

Enough.  Enough of this talk.  It just makes my brain itch thinking about it.  Dammit I don’t wanna go to the dentist.  I’m gonna have to call for a script of Valium just to make it into the office.  That’ll probably cost me $438.76.   What does the Obama health plan say about freaking fillings that they should have to repair for free since they used suck-ass materials in the first place?  What are you gonna do about that Mr. President?  Can I at least get some Valium pro-bono?

OH MY GOD… So I can’t believe I forgot to mention the most freaking important part of this whole damn story!  So since I’ve been in pain and totally trying to mask it and do anything this side of smoke a pound of weed and overdose on Oxycontin and that sort of thing to just make the brain itching face contorting spasms stop… I have been trying the topical route.  That works.  For about 15-20 minutes.  But now I’m out.  And well… broke and car-less today and just overall screwed!  What the hell can I do around here to stop. this. pain??? Oh, OH, I know!!! There’s this stuff that I got from one of those parties.  It’s for numbing, you know, stuff.  Maybe that will numb my MOUTH.  YES!!!

Yep, I’m just sitting around playing Light’ning Queen Dominoes with the kids while I smear “Great Head” or some sort of numbing agent to the hole in my tooth {which I totally got as a hostess gift because I never would have thought to buy that crap!}  The kids keep asking to try my new toothpaste.  I’m just not able to go there.

See, told you this wasn’t about yeast infections.