You like to read when i bitch, don’t you???  Please tell me you do.

Because today I need to bitch.  See, I have this issue.  I am wicked scared of the dentist.  Like, “I would rather scratch out my own eyeballs from the pain of a toothache before visiting a dentist” kind of phobic sort of shit.  Wicked.  Scared.

But… after 19 years of only going to the dentist when abso-freaking-lutely necessary, things are starting to go south.  In a really bad way.  My old fillings from the 80’s are the crack and fall out of your mouth variety and it’s never at a good time.  So a few weeks ago I started feeling the ache.  Then while camping a couple weeks back I felt a little crack.  Now, every single night and a few times throughout the day I am overcome with the kind of pain that makes my brain spasm and my face contort into a post-palsy droop that most stroke patients would be afraid of.  I’ve exhausted all of the old prescription pain meds from every child-birth and surgery and any other sort of painful experience that we’ve had in this house in the past 5 years.  And if I hit up any more of my friends for theirs, I’m probably going to end up on that intervention show.  It’s just that bad.

I have to relent and deal with it.  I have to. So can you tell me this?  Why is dental work so freaking expensive?  Its not brain surgery!  It’s really not even surgery at all.  There’s no hospitalization involved.  And most of the dentists are higher than the patients are anyway.  What the hell???  I really don’t need to mortgage my house to afford a little pain relief! (Not that it’s even possible to do that these days.)

Enough.  Enough of this talk.  It just makes my brain itch thinking about it.  Dammit I don’t wanna go to the dentist.  I’m gonna have to call for a script of Valium just to make it into the office.  That’ll probably cost me $438.76.   What does the Obama health plan say about freaking fillings that they should have to repair for free since they used suck-ass materials in the first place?  What are you gonna do about that Mr. President?  Can I at least get some Valium pro-bono?

OH MY GOD… So I can’t believe I forgot to mention the most freaking important part of this whole damn story!  So since I’ve been in pain and totally trying to mask it and do anything this side of smoke a pound of weed and overdose on Oxycontin and that sort of thing to just make the brain itching face contorting spasms stop… I have been trying the topical route.  That works.  For about 15-20 minutes.  But now I’m out.  And well… broke and car-less today and just overall screwed!  What the hell can I do around here to stop. this. pain??? Oh, OH, I know!!! There’s this stuff that I got from one of those parties.  It’s for numbing, you know, stuff.  Maybe that will numb my MOUTH.  YES!!!

Yep, I’m just sitting around playing Light’ning Queen Dominoes with the kids while I smear “Great Head” or some sort of numbing agent to the hole in my tooth {which I totally got as a hostess gift because I never would have thought to buy that crap!}  The kids keep asking to try my new toothpaste.  I’m just not able to go there.

See, told you this wasn’t about yeast infections.