one. more. week.

In exactly one week, I’ll be sending off my baby child to the big bad world all by himself.  Someone else will be spending the majority of his awake life with him and I’ll just be the lady that makes him cookies (and wipes his butt when he poops.)  In one week full-time kindergarten begins and I will be all alone.

Okay, I know I’m being melodramatic.  I KNOW, OKAY?!?!  You don’t have to look at me that way.  I realize I am totally a drama queen.  But this isn’t my first rodeo, folks.  I have been here before.

{Holy Shit.  As if right on cue, the little rascal is down there hollering and yelling for me to come wipe his butt.  It’s like he wants me to  lose my mind or something.  Why can’t he just wipe his own ass successfully?}

Uhhh… Where was I?  Oh, right.  I have hardly done more than blink since the last time I had to take a kid and drop her off for her first day of Kindergarten, her cute little braided pig-tails flopping in the wind as we stepped up to the portable to meet her teacher.  Since then, it’s been a blur of Crayola crayons and colored pencils and a few moments of sassy-mouthed homework squabbles that lead to this morning’s talk of why sex is so gross.  All that to say, time freaking flies once they enter school and I am not ready to let my baby go.

Someone else will be teaching him all the cool tricks and holding his attention (hopefully!)  Someone else, who I hope is not prettier than me because he still thinks I’m the prettiest girl he knows, will be taking care of my baby while I sit home alone perusing the internet and trying to make something from bitching online.

Wait.  Why am I so upset here?

Oh, because I love my babe to pieces and I’m scared for him.  I know he’s going to love school.  And by school I mean recess and lunch time.  But I’m a little nervous about the rest of it.  And more than that, I know that once they start school, it’s just a blur of time passing and sooner than I can freaking imagine some little hussy is going to waltz into my house wanting to take him away, AND THEN WHAT BITCHES?

Holy crap I need a Xanax.

8 thoughts on “one. more. week.

  1. Around these parts, if you’re under 50 and your youngest is starting school, it’s a sure sign from Jesus that you need to be more hospitable and open your womb to new inhabitants. You’d be run out of town on a rail if you lived here.

    • I’d rather be invaded by aliens. And THAT is why I live where I live and not where you live. Well, that and the magic curtain that has to hide the pouring of all that is good and holy. That is just bullshit.

  2. … Just look at it like this… when some hussy takes him away, SHE gets to start wiping his butt. She will either be back to drop him off immediately or your hands will thence forth smell like the flowers rather than the fertilizer. 😉

  3. I’m in the same boat this year! I’m not sure whether I should be happy to have some time without Mr. I-get-into-everything, or be sad that my 3 year old will now want to play Polly Pocket with me all day.

  4. As a childless woman I’ve never experienced the “pleasure” of wiping poop from a child’s bum, nor had it ever occurred to me that, at your son’s age, you would still be required to do so. Thanks to you, I now understand the importance of little Julian’s heartfelt plea to remain with his new father figure when, in the squeakiest, most adorable voice ever, he exclaimed: “But I wipe my own aaaaassss!” (Big Daddy).

    It occurs to me that one way you can get back at those future hussies is to never teach him how to do it on his own! (Wipe his own ass, of course) Ha! Ok, maybe not.

  5. Rachelle, I assure you most five year olds probably wipe their own aaassssses. There are two things working against me here:
    1) Jordan has his daddy’s ass which we all know is… ginormous. It’s hard to maneuver around those cheeks.
    2) Jordan also likes fruit. a lot. Therefore, the poop is not always in the most solid of states and therefore extremely difficult to remove completely.

    It’s either I let him walk around in life with major racing stripes, or I stop what I’m doing (2-3 times a DAY!) and make sure he’s got it all off. I swear to God I’m on the verge of just letting him walk around shitty. I mean, what are they gonna do at school? That’s right… walk around shitty! Can’t wait for THAT.

    As far as letting him continue, I’m gonna try to think of something equally fabulous for the hussies. But only because I have another 13 years before they actually have even a legal shot of taking over for me. Great.

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