Follow me on a little journey if you will…
A beautiful, well-organized, and lovely woman with a smoking hot body is on a relaxing stroll in the sunshine through the park. She has her perfectly behaved children and adorable puppy with her. The love of her life is off working at his perfect job and enjoying all that life has to offer. All of a sudden, storm clouds roll in, thunder booms in the distance, a downpour begins and the woman is suddenly struck by lightning.
Replace the woman above with an average looking, occasionally-organized, paunchy mom in sweatpants; the perfect children with unusually maniacal deviants; and the husband with a typically stressed and exhausted dad and you’ve got our life a year ago. There we were, walking through life with its usual stresses, but mostly just living a wonderful existence as a family. Then one day, lightning struck- figuratively, not literally. Don’t worry.
If you used to be a regular reader of this blog, you’ll know that aside from the occasional “OMG I have to get this out of my head or I’m going to burst” posts about my children, I have been mostly MIA for the past year. My profanity-filled, snarky and sarcastic bitching about our silly life have pretty much dried up. I have recently received a few emails asking me “where the hell are you woman? What is going on?!?” Thanks to those of you that have wondered about me and asked. That means a lot!
Everything is fine at our Improper home! It’s just that, well…I got struck by lightning! This time last year, we began to realize that Jordan was having some learning issues at school. We were working hard with him to keep him caught up, but it became more and more obvious that more than just the “little boy wiggles” and distractions were keeping him from keeping up. In kindergarten. You’ve read this before, I won’t go into it again. Jordan has SPD, ADHD and an alphabet soup (as other moms so aptly put it) of issues going on that hinder his learning and behavior.
For a lot of people, this is no big deal. For me, it was truly like getting struck by lightning. I’ve been feeling the “after-shock” for a year. We’ve all been relearning how we live life. It’s not a big deal. Except it really is a big deal, for me at least. I’m a perfectionist. I need life to be perfect. When life isn’t perfect, someone freaks out. That someone is usually me. So basically, I’m always freaking out inside. Because when the hell is life ever perfect?
That’s not actually totally true. We’ve faced a lot of obstacles in our life together, Jimmie and I. Life has obviously never been perfect. We’ve faced all the usual situations- having babies, losing jobs and careers, being so poor you don’t even want to know, making questionable-at-best decisions, facing some pretty serious health conditions, being poor again, you get it. For me, none of that compared to having a life-altering situation to deal with in one of my kids. All I know is, thank God it wasn’t more of a health concern. At the time, I would have had a hard time handling it.
All of my days that were previously a leisurely time spent making our home and browsing blogs and socializing and being your average spoiled homemaker are no more. I have become obsessed with finding solutions to this problem and that; running to therapy appointments; reading books, blogs and articles on how to help with this thing and that thing, working with the school and teachers and counselors on what will best help which part of that piece of the puzzle and so on, ad nauseam. I’m obsessed with giving my son his best chance at life and a successful future while at the same time giving both my kids (and their dad) the most normal and rewarding home and school and social life I can. Basically, what I’m telling you here, is that my brain has been focused on one thing and one thing only for the most part- fixing this (unfixable) problem.
Most recently, I’ve been on burn-out. The “throw my hands up in the air, nothing is working, no one can fix my kid, I give up” type of burn out. It’s stupid. So, here I am to find balance. I want to help my kid. I will keep running to this thing and that and reading and researching. But I will also make time for me and friends and my husband and fun. And I will make time and space in my head for writing. Because it is, as usual, how I get the crazy out.
You’re welcome to walk away from this blog right now and never look back. It might actually be recommended. I know it won’t always be funny. There will be too much mommy talk and not enough cocktails and bunco. If that’s not okay then I understand. I won’t be mad. Thanks for being around for the journey up until now.
improperly forward 
I would love to remind you of something you already know – your child isn’t fixable, because he is fine the way he is. He may not be anything you envisioned and you may wish that his life didn’t suck sometimes, but he is fine. And you are doing what all of us moms with alphabet soup kids do. You read, you cry, you rant, you vent to anyone who merely feigns interest. You go to meetings, you go to therapy. You become a waiting room mom instead of a soccer mom. And then you realize he still has all his alphabets. And it’s fine, because that’s who he is. And who he is and who he is going to become is amazing, in spite of, or because of his alphabets.
Perfectly, PERFECTLY said. (At this point, when I say I want to fix him, what I mean is, I want him to complete first grade this year 🙂 )
I am going to print your comment out and hang it around my house.
Thank you so much for saying that.
You’re welcome. Say it to me some day if you ever think I need to hear it. Because sometimes I do. Sometimes we all do. My alphabet soup girl starts junior high next year. I am saving the rush and panicking now.
Jeannie said it 300% better than I ever could have. I was just going to say don’t lose yourself in all this. Sometimes putting a bookmark in the latest alphabet book and blogging about real or figurative poop is what your mind needs.
That is exactly what I am realizing, Kristina. I can’t lose myself in it.
I love reading your posts. Thanks for posting. I can totally relate to this. I am a paeds O.T. and a mother of 3 boys. I have a bit of SPD so I struggle with the chaos of it all. My first child, who is now a gorgeous 15 year old (he hasn’t ‘turned’ yet) has a bit of SPD with associated digestive issues that we worked on for years, drawing on my OT knowledge, my (then) fantastic sensory gym and on naturopathy and I must say he has grown into himself so beautifully. Phew! My second boy, now 13, is like the ‘perfect’ parcel (he’s my favourite) – totally well integrated nervous system so he is generally happy and cruises along. So I have my two kids and it takes me a while to convince my husband to have ‘the snip’ because I don’t want any more kids. Life is perfect!
Now then, third comes along…I could write a book about him. He’s my nephew, removed by child protection services at birth because his parents are more than f***wits and have been for many years and have stuffed up the lives of 4 other kids so far, so at 18 months he comes to live with us. Well! That’s when it all starts to unravel for me. He’s now 8 going on 4. He’s gorgeous and smart and has the attention span of a goldfish and few child friends but heaps of adults think he’s amazing. He’s an alphabet kid ADHD, ASD, ODD. What I realise is that after 20 years of being a paediatric OT and working with kids just like ours I do actually know a lot about child development and learning but that doesn’t mean jack shit when I get home from work and I’m trying to cook dinner and at least two of the three kids are bickering, and I’m tired and their hungry, and I’m 40 and hormonal and want to know where I’ve gone (that person rather than that OT or mother) and my Mum’s died and I’m trying to support my Dad in his grief, and my husband feels I don’t like him anymore because I don’t give him much attention anymore… So number 3 is like a series of lessons for me that reminds me that:
1. I can’t control everything despite wanting to
2. Forgiveness goes a long well, especially forgiveness of myself for episodes of poor parenting at the end of the day
3. Every day is a new day – so I remind myself never to give up hope or continue consequences/punishments into the next day because there would seriously be a years worth of rolling groundings, missing out on dessert, etc
4. Invest in having a great and positive relationship with teachers, principal, office staff and I buy gifts for them at the end of each school year because they are the ones who can make or break school for my child
5. Insist on positive feedback from teachers – what worked today, let’s do more of that. Constant negative feedback about my child’s behaviour is sooo hard to keep hearing and does nothing to help him or our relationship
6. I really need to invest in some noise cancelling headphones or find some valium
7. Remember to smile and hug and say nice things to my children
Oh, and his name is Johnny. Yes, like that child they always give examples about in books and workshops on behaviour management. But my nickname for him is “Bam Bam”.
Thanks, Marg. It’s so great to hear other people’s stories!
I have no child rearing advice for you because, well…I can’t even figure out how to keep my dog from peeing on the rug in the living room. Seriously, she goes outside, comes back in and pisses on the floor. WTF is up with that?! I digress.
We all know it’s a roller coaster. But, it doesn’t change the fact that when we’re on it and our stomachs are in our throats or down by our ankles it feels like we’re the only one experiencing craziness. No amount of “words of encouragement” are going to change that. So, accept what you’re feeling. Freak out a little if you need to. Bottom line…feel your feelings; don’t try to change or squash them.
I think my job should be to make you focus on that “continue to have fun” part. We need to plan a little jaunt up your way and get you and Jimmie involved in a little “forget about the harsh realities of life for a weekend” debauchery!
Hunter- as always, I love you. Seriously. I don’t know how it’s possible to love someone I’ve never met and seriously confuses me with their love of boobs despite being certainly gay, but I do. I just freaking do.
Now come here and bring your crazy ass peeing dogs. I’ll let you touch my boobs.
I chose you for a Liebster award. I was chosen, and I’m passing it on to you. The details are on my latest blog post: http://www.therealyetisaurus.com/2013/02/accidental-lesbians-and-liebster-award.html. Basically, the rules are:
1. Each blogger should post 11 random facts about themselves.
2. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you, and then create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.
3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.
4. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.
5. No tag backs.
The questions are listed in my blog post.
We are all here for you, and some of us could have some insight that you aren’t even aware we have. Share what you can, and take comfort in knowing you aren’t alone.