There’s a solid chance three people will read this. I am kind of confident people don’t even blog anymore. I’m not even kidding- the new kids have instagram and tumblr (is that even still a thing?) and, honestly, I don’t even know what else. I think we all know I can’t speak my mind in 140 characters, so that’s out. But, I’ve had a few things happen recently that has given me the itch. (to write. that’s it, promise.)
Someone must at least read blogs somewhere, because I’ve had three completely unrelated people ask me what the heck happened to me and the blog in the past two months. I’ve been desperately needing my therapeutic outlet, and Jimmie all but scolded me yesterday (okay, he scolded me, the jerk!) for neglecting this process and my voice. So…there you have it folks, I guess I’m back to blabbing on this blog. I can’t guarantee it will be often, but let’s face it, it hasn’t been often since the days of myspace. Yipes.
I know there are people that leave their blogs for months at a time and then come back like it’s been a week and pick up where they left off. I don’t know that I can do that, so I have to at least give a little rundown. I hope you’ll just bear with me. My last post was 18 months ago and it could barely be called a post. I guess the last time I really wrote anything of significance was when we began pursuing diagnosis for Jordan and ADHD. YowZa, that seems like a lifetime ago.
In the time since Jordan began therapy and treatment for ADHD and SPD (when I last wrote,) he has since been diagnosed with Aspergers (no longer even the clinical “label” as it all just falls under Autism Spectrum Disorder now, but I digress.) I guess that was the beginning of the end of writing for me. I don’t feel like I can just skim past that point. Maybe that’s where we’re going today.
I have to be honest, I was not able to authentically be me on this blog (or otherwise) when we started this path with Jordan. I think anyone who has read me or known me for any length of time knows, if I can’t say what I want in the way I want, I can’t write or function in any way really. To express the feelings I had when this journey began with Jordan, was just too raw for me to express publicly or even to those closest to our situation. I very much went into a protective cocoon for…too long. I guess this is my coming out party. Here I am, a beautifully flawed mother butterfly, just trying to lead my baby caterpillars through the beginning stages of their own life metamorphoses. (I also should tell you I’ve become quite poetic while I’ve been gone, in case you didn’t notice.)
It’ll probably take a little while for me to get whatever the writing version of “sea legs” is back underneath me. Just these few paragraphs are kind of agonizing. It feels like part “holiday card brag letter” and part “miserable group therapy session.”
The fact of the matter is this: I am crazy in love with this life I live. It’s so incredibly complicated and full of drama that is complete bullshit half the time. I am surrounded by the most bat-shit crazy people you could possibly imagine. We are so flawed and imperfect and fun and just wicked wonderful. My children are so imperfectly amazing, I simultaneously want to kiss them and kick them in the shins every single day. My husband is a saint of a man who also makes me want to spit in his coffee at least two days a week. My life moves in contradictions. I think (God do I hope I’m right about this) that most of the people around me feel the exact same way, at least part of the time.
In order to be who I am, I have to release those contradictions into the universe from time to time. I guess that is where this space of my life comes in handy… I hope there’s still one or two people in the world that will join me here. I like it when there’s at least one person who will high five me for spitting in the morning coffee.
This is my sanctuary. This is where I find my peace. This is where you can find me…