I’ve had a podcast for over two years. We average about 200 listens per episode, but it takes a good long while and a blood sacrifice on a full moon to reach those numbers. I haven’t paid one bit of attention to anything blog related in years, and I log in today to find that I had over 200 visits on any given day last week. What the hell?? Is blogging making an actual comeback? Because I am down to clown if so. God I love writing nonsense and getting immediate feedback from the people that read it. It’s honestly the second best high I’ve ever felt. We won’t talk about the first…
In my years as a writer, I’ve blogged about everything from my literal babies (who are now grown ass adult-ish) to my kid’s autism diagnosis to the time I went to see male strippers in a dive bar in the armpit of the Pacific Northwest. There is no subject I won’t beat to death with my laptop. I love it to the deepest part of me.
So, why don’t I ever do this anymore? I mean…huh. Good question. Commitment issues? I don’t know. One time about 12 years ago I got writer’s block and I never got over it. The world changed from people creating communities around blogs to cramming creativity into140 character tweets. Then we went all “60 second soundbites” and fuckitall I’m not cut out for that life. The world of podcasts is amazing and I do love it, but the back and forth community just isn’t there for me. Plus, I like to write at all times of the day whenever the hell I want to and… I don’t know. Why am I even thinking about this. Just write, sister.
This is what I do. This is how I process. This is who I am.
For about eleventy-five years I joked that blogging was my “free therapy.” Well, cut to now and I am ass over teakettle in actual therapy (that is definitely not free,) but when I need to work some shit out it’s right here. I currently have 147 unpublished drafts that will never see the light of day. This free-flowing stream of consciousness is my love language.
The only difference is, I’m ready to start pushing “publish” again. And I really hope I stick with it.
What’s changed and what has stayed the same?
Well, you can always count on me to be full of piss and vinegar, as my Papa used to say. My mouth still rivals that of a trucker, my sass abounds and my heart is still full of love for absolutely everyone except assholes. Jimmie is and will forever be my soul mate, and he drives me batshit less and less as the years go on. This November we will celebrate 20 years and that is just insane to me because I’m still 22.
More has changed than we even have time for. My babies are definitely NOT babies. Sis is 19 and has been living on her own for the past year. Bub is 16 and about to start his sophomore year at a new high school. We’ve moved back and forth across the state of Washington more times than I care to count during the past 20 years, but we have settled back in Eastern WA, and this is where we hope to spend the rest of our days…for now. I do miss the coastal breeze, so I will be taking lots of trips back to my favorite beaches.
The biggest change, though, is in me. As I said, I’m in the thick of some pretty intense therapy. I started personal therapy about a year ago. Sis left for college and I decided to get serious about caring for myself. During Covid and about a year of being stuck inside with myself, I got real with myself about needing professional help. Like so many others, my anxiety and overall mental health was a shit show. I went on meds, and shortly after we began family therapy. Our family therapist is the gift of a lifetime, and now she sees both Sis and I individually. I am not overstating it when I say she has saved our lives.
When I was ready to start being honest with myself about the trauma I’ve experienced in my life, I really started to see how much it was affecting not only me but my relationships with my kids, Jim and all the important things/people in my life. Choosing to face the excruciating realities that have dogged me since early childhood has given me a whole new life. It’s nowhere near as easy as that sounds, but a huge part of this blog is going to be me talking through that.
All jokes aside, that writer’s block that started oh so long ago? Well that was just me not wanting to dig into the story of my life. It was more than writer’s block. It was me shutting down and not being able to process and feel the hard stuff. I reached capacity and made a choice to embrace survival rather than living. Sure, sometimes we have to do what we have to do to make it through, but merely surviving sucks. I don’t ever want to choose to simply make it. I want to live and I want to do it in a way that makes other people want to live.
It would be super for me if writing here again is part of that.
I even ripped off my super long nails that made it hard as hell for me to type. So I guess I’m really invested now.
Let’s do this.